Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize