I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
