when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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