I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
