from now on my penis is your penis
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
