i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i think i just lost a toe
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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