Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
