today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
