just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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