never play flip cup with pint glasses
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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