I think I won the penis lottery.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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