I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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