Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
