I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize