He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My ATM looks so different sober.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
