4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
barbara walters just said penis...
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
