Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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