How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Randomize
