I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
