I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
