and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
