I can't breathe out the right side of my face
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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