she woke up with a sticky ear
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
operation harelip BJ is a go
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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