dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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