you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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