i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
