I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
