i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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