my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
