I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
