my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
