u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Sext me about skeletons
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
