im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
