if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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