Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
