worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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