I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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