wanna go halves on a baby?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
