What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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