we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
