It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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