I think i peed on brittanys purse
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize