either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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