I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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