I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
