rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
