I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
