the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
