I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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