your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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