highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Randomize
