This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
