If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
