I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize