I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
