You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
