walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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