Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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