I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
