How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I need to align my fucking chakras
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
