does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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