I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
