Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
