Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
