He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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