so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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