i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
her vagine was all disorganized.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
